Coaching to Success

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Communication

Stop texting and let’s start talking…

Albert Mehrabian, professor at the University of California reported that to be truly congruent in the art of conversing, 55% comes from gesticulation/body language, 38% tonality but only 7% from the words.

Yet, how do we spend most of our time communicating? Emails, messages and text, we are losing the art of conversing!

What stops us from going up and simply talking to someone? Sometimes it is fear of saying the wrong thing, being rejected or ignored. Often, within reason, it is not so much what you say as how you come across.

Confidence is a massive factor and this is portrayed in the way we hold ourselves (55%), the manner in which we speak (38%) and finally the words we use (7%). Think of how you engage with friends or family when you are relaxed and how you laugh and relate with them.

Starting a conversation can feel quite daunting if your usual approach is to wait for someone else to instigate it. Confidence is the key and those who know me will recognise the fact that I have no problem with events, such as weddings or business networks, going up to a complete stranger to engage in a chat.

Consider the following:

  • Question don’t announce – Begin the conversation by using ‘open’ questions. “Hi, you know James then do you” will generally result in Yes/No reply whereas, “Hi, nice to meet you, so how do you know James?” will open the conversation. Closed questions start with anything that will result in a singular worded answer. Open questions normally start with what, how, why that requires expansion in their reply.
  • Humour works – Relaxed introduction of funny quips works well. We all like to laugh (mind you, if that person over there doesn’t, best avoid them!). Let things flow from the conversation and add anecdotes appropriately rather than memorising gags such as Tim Vine “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust”, (I do like that though!)
  • Show Interest – First and foremost, people like talking about their situation so be personable. Show interest in them and base your questions around things they will know, eg. Ask how they know James. Remember, this is not an interrogation so avoid drilling them with questions, ergo, a conversation sets sail.
  • Mutuality – The conversation is neither all about them nor you. You will never be able to rehearse the perfect conversation as it is a two way situation. Approach with the ‘we’ as opposed to ‘I’ scenario when it comes to what the subject matter may be and wonder what they will talk about. This change in mindset makes conversations much easier as transferable onus is on them momentarily until the banter starts.
  • Power of smiling – This may not help the crows-feet but I’d rather walk around with a smile on my face than not. Therefore, refrain from looking in horror at the person or group as if they are the main character in Jaw’s but remember this is a social interaction. You radiate warmth with a smile so let it hover naturally and when the other party talks, let your eyes and mouth smile, embrace them.
  • Taking it personally – Remember, others may be in a similar situation with confidence issues. They may have an agenda that does not include talking to you. Whatsoever the case, let it be their problem and not yours! Take on board all the ideas here and whatever the outcome, do not take it personally.
  • Less is more – Have you experienced someone giving you too many details, like how their car broke down from pick up through to technical fault. Did you feel obliged to listen? Had they simply stated they put the wrong fuel in and what a headache it caused them, we would be more interested. Brevity is the key. Keep your points succinct and refrain from including all the details, just those that are relevant to the tale.

We hide behind electronic devices and all too often I see people standing uncomfortably corners of the room, so much so, I feel architects will soon be designing dodecagon rooms so more can find a corner!

Practise makes perfect and the more you stretch yourself, the easier it becomes to recognising signs that people are open to engage in conversation.

Coaching to success use tools to explore peoples’ preferred styles such as MBTI, John Heron and Belbin then methods to help with confidence so should you or someone you know want to benefit with a direct approach, see how relaxed I am in conversation by  watching our video at https://youtu.be/RvCwOL4hPco then contact Neil on 07761 187238 or email neil@coachingtosuccess.co.uk where you’ll be assured a warm welcome to discuss how we can help.

Who is to be held accountable these days?

In recent years, I have noticed an increase of living in a blameless society. Everywhere you look you see painted yellow lines indicating where you can or cannot walk! Signs warning of hot liquids in coffee cups! Political correctness left to run riot and when it comes to reprimanding someone, we are on a different subject all together.

Common sense appears to have been pushed to one side and replaced by other people being held accountable for the action or direction of an individual through strict, unbendable ruling. We appear less and less to be able to do what our gut tells us is right. We live by signs telling us there may be issues with taking control ourselves. But this is counterproductive to the way we, as humans, progress.

I have written many a feature about Leadership qualities but accountability should be about individuals owning and being accountable for their own actions without always having to be told or guided.

In coaching, we use the Circle of Concern vs Circle of Influence model. Particularly around confidence building and being held accountable for our own actions.

With the latter being placed inside the former. Showing that if we allow concern to be the dominant factor, then our influence is diminished. However, if we take charge of our situation, our influence will flourish having an effect on lowering levels of concern.

Studies show the most effective organisations are those where individuals/teams feel like they have influence and influence can only be brought about by a sense of being held accountable.

That said, let us now look at how best to hold people accountable for their own actions, or, better yet, give them control over decisions to have accountability which gives them empowerment. We have an acronym for this, D.I.R.E.C.T.

(D)Direction – Set a clear vision and the direction a person should follow. Ambiguity has no place as this leads to ownership falling in someone else’s lap. If people are given too many points to head towards, the likelihood is they will never achieve any, well, not to their full potential.

(I)Integrity – Work to an environment of integrity over ass covering! By this I mean that if a task hasn’t been achieved, do not first look to reprimand but establish the reasons behind how it has been managed. Accountability rises as a result of developing courage to tell the truth rather than simply what the other person may want to hear.

(R)Results – Offer clear definition of what you or the organisation requires. In sales, this may be a given target to achieve. In production it may be the number of Gizwots per week etc. With regards HOW they get there or the means by which they deliver, an element of autonomy needs to be given too.

(E)Expertise – Being given the skills to do a job is paramount to individuals becoming accountable. If there is confusion, lack of understanding or support, then people will not feel accountable as they do not have the expertise to carry out the task. Training, coaching, or teaching people the skills they require gives confidence to handle the responsibility of becoming accountable.

(C)Communicate – “Assumptions are unopened windows that foolish birds fly into, and their broken bodies are evidence gathered too late.” (Bryan Davis). Without clear communication, assumption’s tentacles reach out and take hold. As a leader, insure people know what they are accountable for and establish two way communications to alleviate any queries or doubts as to what is required.

(T)Trust – As a leader, consider how staff look to you. Insure your motives are clear so no questions need be raised. Reward efforts, not just the achievements. Refrain from taking advantage of people, easy done when someone consistently out performs others! And give credit where credit is due, ie don’t take someone else’s but raise them up, it will also reflect well on you. These do not necessarily represent accountability but they do represent trust which enables the other factors to flourish.

This is but the start to developing a sense of accountability. Another great tool to help improve ownership is coaching which helps individuals become accountable as we address the barriers to succeeding. Establish the best way to handle it and formulate an action plan to achieve the objective. All the way along the path is to be clear and focused on the end. Whether you attempt to coach people internally or bring an expert in, coaching helps build the confidence to handle accountability.

If you are looking to go beyond this first level and wish to improve levels of accountability, contact Neil on 07761 187238 or email neil@coachingtosuccess.co.uk where you’ll be assured a warm welcome to discuss how we can help. You’ll get a better understanding of Neil too by watching our interview video at https://youtu.be/RvCwOL4hPco

Let’s be clear about how to communicate…

Clear communication can be the bane of working days if not carried out correctly. In this day and age we have so many means to communicate but all too often we find haste makes waste. So as to avoid making fundamental mistakes in getting your message across, consider the following tips to help you get the most out of your communications…

In times gone by, a letter dropping on our doormat used to be received with emotional attachment. It may be good news or bad but either way, someone had spent time to write to you. It would be read front to back and maybe re-read with the inevitable answer being drafted and posted.

Today’s supersonic highway of communication means we can send a message to Australia and the receiver will have it within milliseconds. Speed now takes over from accuracy or content and the content is what makes the message clear.

Do you find yourself receiving information or talking to people finding that it is unclear what they are trying to communicate? And what of yourself, are you finding the speed of life means your message is sometimes rushed. This being followed by elements of frustration as the recipient does not appear to grasp what you wish to relay.

It may not always be that they do not comprehend what is being said. It may simply be that we are not explaining ourselves clearly. With that in mind, here are our tips towards formulating your message(s):

Communicate clearly:

  • Make it clear, well-structured, polite and easy to understand (use straightforward terminology)
  • Two ears and one mouth, use in that order! Listen to what is being said and paraphrase your understanding
  • Utilise all channels insuring the message has been distributed accordingly (Verbal, Email, Message, Telephone, Presentation, Meetings)

Timely and Accurate:

  • Remove any ambiguity, accuracy is paramount
  • Emphasise levels of importance or urgency. Remove any doubt or misunderstanding
  • Keep concise but containing the correct level of detail
  • Consider the most effective time to deliver the communication
  • Assess when best to repeat/update

Approachability:

  • Openly share information
  • Be open to questions, ideas and approach
  • Allow others to express their views and show a genuine interest
  • Change manner and terminology of delivery if recipient doesn’t initially grasp it (speaking slower or louder doesn’t work – it is often the delivery that doesn’t resonate rather than information not being understood)

Negativity:

  • Refrain from use of inappropriate language, beratement or tone
  • Use positive affirmations over negative ones
  • Actively listen to what others have to say without dismissing before they begin
  • Do not portray yourself as too busy or unapproachable
  • Desist from over embellishing or dramatizing negative facts
  • Avoid giving bad news inappropriately (e.g. using email, social media or text to give negative feedback to an individual)

The key is to keep your message clear, simple, informative, timely and without any prejudice.

Having no clear guidance, people read into what is in front of them in their own way. It depends on their mood, what mind set they are in. Without clarity, ambiguity takes control and that can lead people down a dark path that may not have even been considered.

We help organisations and individuals such as yourself to insure the message being delivered remains focused with a positive outcome. Start the first step by contacting Neil on 07761 187238 or email neil@coachingtosuccess.co.uk where you’ll be assured a warm welcome to discuss how we can help. You’ll get a better understanding of Neil too by watching our interview video at https://youtu.be/RvCwOL4hPco

Why fight when you can negotiate?

Have you ever noticed how such a simple dispute can erupt into Mount Everest? As that saying goes, making a mountain out of a molehill, so why can something so apparently insignificant become such a momentous problem?

All too often what appears ‘insignificant’ to us can ultimately matter to another person(s) and the way we manage a situation can have positive or diverse effects. This is where negotiation has its strengths. But what is negotiation?

Negotiation is about coming to a mutually acceptable impasse that both parties find acceptable. We all know the saying Win:Win.

Some tasks are easy enough to trade off but others may not be so. In this case, follow this guide:

Preparation

  • Know what you are aiming to achieve and what the parties’ objective will be.
  • How will the more ‘powerful’ party affect the negotiation?
  • Based on knowledge or historic events, what do you consider to be the expected outcome?
  • What do you consider to be a fair outcome and the reason behind this thought process.
  • Gains and losses. Consider what the gains and losses will likely be from both sides, not just your own gains.
  • What’s the trade-off?
  • There may not be one simple solution. Do the homework and explore all the available options.

Rules of engagement (Not quite Game of Thrones!)

  • It can get personal but separate the person from the problem. Stick to the facts.
  • 2 ears, 1 mouth – use in that order. Ask and listen.
  • Understand the other’s views and ask to gain further understanding. Your view is not the only one (sorry, it is a fact!)
  • Respect all involved (even if you don’t like them).
  • Explore options openly without bias. Your view may not necessarily be the only or correct one – I know, it’s hard to believe but there may be a better way that you may not have considered.

Negotiation is about creating a win:win situation, not win:lose or even lose:win (refer to Stephen Covey Habit #4 from ‘7 Habits of highly effective people’).

Consider whether the negotiations are based around Distributive (where things are to be apportioned) or Integrative (where the parties are trying to make more of something) bargaining. This can be a great influencer especially if the relationship is a brief interaction or a longer term development.

Distributive can often be a short term, immediate fix for example, buying a new car so negotiation will be based around gaining concessions. An amount of time will be required to ascertain what is each side’s target price, what ideally is the maximum and minimum price for each side so effective bargaining can be made.

Integrative bargaining is normally based around the longer term relationship building of respect and trust. It looks at collaboration to reach a point where all parties work together to have an outcome that is in both parties’ interest.

In essence, we return to the preparation and to succeed in any negotiation, this is by far the most critical element as it creates the strong platform for all to work to.

Coaching to Success understand conflict resolutions and help their clients to move forward when situations come to a head. We also help clients create plans when negotiation or change is necessary to insure a smoother transition so if you or your team are looking to negotiate, contact Neil on 07761 187238 or email neil@coachingtosuccess.co.uk, where you will be assured a warm, friendly welcome and the chance to negotiate ways we can work together (integrative).

Just so we’re clear, I’m right!

We all have something that hits us emotionally when someone says something against our own beliefs or values, this is when conflict can start.

I’m no exception to this. Last year a person bought the property behind us with the full knowledge there were trees running all the way along ours and neighbouring properties. His opening comment when he arrived at our door was “I want to come to a compromise regarding the trees”.

No discussion had been held before and no opening gambit concerning tree size was even mentioned, only that he wanted a ‘compromise’ which was possibly not the best way to start a positive relationship with your new neighbours.

With this in mind and memories of historical working ‘disagreements’ I thought I would share my top 6 tips towards conflict resolution:

  1. “What’s it all about?” Clarity is the key. Not always apparent, maybe a constant niggle which can soon develop. It is imperative to establish, through discussions, what the disagreement is and each side’s stance. Usually we only break through the surface and seldom drill down to the core so an arbitrator (someone who is not affected by either party) is a great person to have to ask incisive questions. If they are not available, both parties should write down every little detail that they feel applies.
  2. Find the common objective. Take a pragmatic approach rather than relying on emotion. Just for a while, drop the barriers or defence, as I did with the neighbour, take a breath and both sides discuss what each of them would like to see happen. Search for the commonalities and work from these.
  3. “That won’t work because..” Before you start, establish what the barriers are as these are what need to be worked on/through. What was it that started the conflict and why was it important to take the stance. Once these have been established, then a resolve can be worked towards but they need to be delivered in a logical way rather than emotional. Should there be areas that there is no way to change, discuss methods of getting around the impasse.
  4. Positive discussions. Avoid debating or arguing who is right or wrong. Now it is time to listen, truly listening to each other and coming together to work towards the common objective. This part is probably one of the hardest parts, especially if the dispute has been building. But it is critical to drop the defence and look to positive outcomes.
  5. Yellow brick road. Much like the Wizard of Oz story, work towards the end goal and deal with issues along the way and find solutions. What do both parties need to do to reach the objective? What are the common grounds to work with? Reflect back on what the catalyst was to insure there is purpose behind reaching the objective together.
  6. Own it. Insure that both parties understand what their responsibilities are to reach the agreed goal. From an NLP perspective, it is important to verbalise your own responsibilities rather than being told them. Use your own words and actually saying them out loud, the likelihood of making them work is massively increased. Sentences such as “I agree to take responsibility for…”.

This is much easier when a dispute is in its infancy, however, when items have started to really set root, these steps need to be revisited regularly and often at each stage along the agreed path.

Talking of roots, we did have a tree surgeon come round and lop some off the top and all overhanging branches to their side. Possibly not to the degree they wanted but that was what he wanted – a compromise!

If you are having a dispute where there doesn’t appear to be a reasonable outcome either yourself or members of your team, contact Neil on 07761 187238 or email neil@coachingtosuccess.co.uk, where you will be assured a warm, friendly welcome and discuss what it is you wish to achieve.